Falling Apart

flipped over mental_illness_by_jonerath-da2cll9

This piece is about mental illness, specifically the illness of schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is an illness that plagues people, that plagues me, with hallucinations and delusions among other symptoms.

The word “schizophrenia” literally means “split-mind” but according to Ely Saks “The schizophrenic mind is not so much split as shattered. I like to say schizophrenia is like a waking nightmare.”

This piece is very much based on this quote. The brain is splitting and starting to shatter. The pieces are falling upwards to symbolize the lack of sense, the disorganized mind, I experience. I feel that my mind is about to explode and I tried to show this through intense contrasts and bright colors.

This page is an exploration into my exploding mind, a very unusual mind.  Thank you for taking this journey with me.


Schizophrenic Problem with Driving

When driving, the double lines protect me from engaging the oncoming traffic’s laser beam.  If they do try to attack the double lines are strong enough to defend me and even reflect the lasers back to their own selves. But we have a problem when it’s only dashed lines.

I’ve seen cars explode from the laser beams, explode and be engulfed in yellow and orange flames.  Sometimes the explosion is slow and other times it is instantaneous.

Along the roads are the occasional pair of large trees.  These tree trunks are really the legs of the road guardians.  Sometimes the guardians snatch up cars and dent them, throw them, or even rip them in two.

Is this frightening to everyone?  Or just me?  Should I be able to sit in the car?  Even more so, should I be able to drive?  Will I ever be able to drive?


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Reality Testing with Shadows

I see shadows.  Forms of darkness that are alive.  I have been experimenting with what may help with these shadows.  I don’t believe that they are real anymore.  And the only real way to get better is by believing that they aren’t real.

There are several ways that I reality test the shadows.  The first way is that I take my glasses off.  When I take my glasses off, the shadows are crisp and clear but the rest of my surroundings are blurry.  The way that I interpret this is by thinking that the blurry things are from the real world, while my mind is projecting the sharp objects that are not real.

Another way that I reality test is by interacting with them.  For example, I remember handing a shadow a piece of paper.  He didn’t take it, but just stood there.  With this, I reasoned that either the shadow wasn’t real or he was really rude and unresponsive.

Trusting certain people is important in reality testing and recovery.  With these people we can ask if they see it too.  If we can trust, it’s a great source in friendship and therapy.